Geoff Wolinetz Is Too Late

Now With 30% More Ranch Flavor

2008-09-05T14:38:00.001-07:00

Hi everybody!

There's been so much action over the last few days that I don't know where to begin and I don't know if I'll remember it all. Fortunately for me, no one reads this. The other day I got to thinking: what's the real difference between writing a blog that no one reads and walking down the street talking to myself? I was distressed that I couldn't come up with anything, so I called myself a whore and ran away.

Amazingly, I'm actually progressing on my latest effort to fool the publishing world into giving me money for the blithering drivel that I manage to smear all over the page (or screen, I guess, I haven't "written" anything in ten years).

Hey, my good friend Sarah Palin is running for Vice President! Did you guys see her speech the other night? She was so awesome! She was so good that I nearly died from hypertension listening to it and started throwing things at my television in complete glee. And I also love how she let her grandfather speak last night. Even though he seems a little confused and disoriented, that's probably just dementia.

Also, my good friend Sara Benincasa and her good friend Diana Saez are doing some deliciously hysterical Palin spoofing. You should all get out on YouTube and watch them. Start here and watch all six of them.

OK, all done for now.

Gone Fishin'

2008-08-28T09:18:00.000-07:00

We're closing up shop a little early for Labor Day. The wife and I will be celebrating two years married, and thus, out of town.

Enjoy your holidays.

And With A Little Help From Above ...

2008-08-27T12:27:00.000-07:00

... I'll be going to this tonight.

Keep Going, Keep Going, Keep Going ...

2008-08-26T20:13:00.001-07:00

Just a quick note to make sure that you're following my good friend Dennis DiClaudio on the Indecision 2008 blog. The guy is brilliant and I hate his guts.

Also: Holy Hillary! I almost stood up in my living room like five times, and if you know me at all, that's really saying something.

Rock Me, Sexy Jesus

2008-08-25T14:26:00.000-07:00

Do you want to see a quirky, bizarre, brilliant film? Get yourself out to the local Cineplex and see the Hamlet 2 film. I haven't come out of a film that happy or engorged since Alvin and the Chipmunks.

[Update: I don't like Catherine Keener. I haven't enjoyed any performance by her since Being John Malkovich.]

They Said It ...

2008-08-22T10:54:00.000-07:00

Senator John McCain, about Dan Quayle, at the 1988 Republican National Convention:

"I can't believe a guy that handsome wouldn't have some impact."

I don't even know what to say.

I Can't Believe That I Forgot To Mention This

2008-08-22T05:24:00.000-07:00

As of August 1, the new poet laureate of this blog is Gail Simmons, editor at Food & Wine magazine and Top Chef judge.

For Gail's Wikipedia page, click here.

For Gail's Food & Wine bio, click here.

Step aside, Dutch astronomer Jan Oort. Your tenure as poet laureate as ended. I'd send you a gold watch, but you're dead, so that wouldn't do much good.

The Meanest? The Baddest? The Deadest.

2008-08-21T14:20:00.000-07:00

TMZ is reporting that Sho'Nuff has passed away.

Between Isaac Hayes and Julius Carry going in the last ten days, I hope that Dolomite is looking up at the sky for any falling meteorites.

This Might Not Be An Everlasting Love

2008-08-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else feel like the people in the online dating commercials are part of their family? Does anyone else like want to go to their house, eat dinner with them and find out all about their family? Does anyone else want to rummage through their trash and maybe find out about their eating habits, hygiene and identity information? Does anyone else maybe want to figure out a way to off them, and then take some time to assume their identity, integrate themselves into a brand new community with their assumed identities, all the while figuring out a way to burgle many of the area homes?

Um, me neither.

I'm just wondering about the cases that don't work out. I'm talking about people who actually meet, get married and then split up. I don't see Dr. Neil Clarke Warren from eHarmony telling the story of two people who met on his website and then had an acrimonious breakup, coupled with confrontational divorce hearings and an ugly, drawn-out custody dispute.

My point: why not? If I'm forced to hear that two people are convinced that they've met their soulmate, I should get to hear about when that couple breaks up and can't be in the same room with each other anymore. It's the friggin' cycle of life.

Don't Want No Mexican Radio

2008-08-20T08:59:00.000-07:00

But what about Y.P.R. Radio? Glad you asked!

Y.P.R. will have a guest appearance TONIGHT (!) on the Joey Reynolds Show on WOR-710 in the New York area, a most underrated radio program if there ever was one.

What's that you say? You don't live in New York? No problem! They offer live streaming on the InterWeb here.

We'll be taping around 10:40pm. His show begins at midnight, so I should have a sense of when we'll air presently.

A Glimpse Into The Past

2008-08-19T10:51:00.000-07:00

If you're looking for proof that I've been an idiot my entire life (or at least since high school), look no further than this.

The show: High Above Limbo
The station: Binghamton TV (or "BTV" as the kids called it)
The date: Fall, 1995-ish (or the early part of my sophomore year in college)

Pay special attention to my wardrobe. Flannel and white "Game" hats were like a uniform for me from like 1992 through early 1996, at which time I jettisoned the flannel but kept the hats. And if you're curious as to what I look like now, add about 40 pounds.

The true story of this is that it was almost completely ad libbed. We basically sat down at the news desk, and just started talking. They flipped on the camera and voila. Enjoy (though you probably will not).

[Tip o' the hat to Ryan for uploading these]

It's a Bird. It's a Plane.

2008-08-18T08:23:00.000-07:00

Is anyone going to Bryant Park tonight for the Monday night movie? They're showing the original Superman on the big screen tonight.

For a long time, if pressed, I would have almost invariably said that I enjoy Superman II better than the original Superman, but I think that I thought that because of General Zod. Zod is one of the great supervillains of the last 25-30 years. He's very comic book-y, completely irrational in his sense of vengeance (he was imprisoned by Superman's father Jor-El for crimes against Krypton) and ridiculous in his dialogue/behavior. But being from Kyrpton, he and his sidekicks (one played by former Los Angeles Ram Merlin Olsen) are also "super," and Superman must rely on his cunning to defeat them.

When I thought about it, I realized that there really is no topping the first film. It's got all the back story, and that's really what make Superman so compelling as a character.

Some Press For Underrated

2008-08-16T07:46:00.000-07:00

Our "Five Most Underrated Simpsons Characters" article is up on Cracked.com. Pay special attention to the comments. We're getting hammered by Cracked's 15 year-old readership. When you read at a 4th grade level, I guess it's difficult to understand a decently crafted argument for something.

Also, we had a brief review/shout-out in the Orgeonian yesterday:

The waggish satirists from the Web site Yankee Pot Roast have cobbled together a book -- "Underrated: The Yankee Pot Roast Book of Awesome Underappreciated Stuff" (Citadel Press, $12.95, 204 pages). Authors Geoff Wolinetz, Nick Jezarian and Josh Abraham throw down their opinions on the rate-worthiness of everything from George Harrison (underrated) to Paul McCartney (not underrated).

Among the underrated are movies such as "Grosse Pointe Blank" (hear, hear!) and "Gung Ho!"; the TV shows "Good Times," "Futurama" and "Deadwood"; Diet Dr. Pepper; singer Donovan; and our own state, Oregon. Why are we underrated? The authors' examples of our awesomeness include: no sales tax; vote-by-mail; Matt Groening (of both "Simpsons" and "Futurama" fame); Steve Prefontaine; Nike; Wieden + Kennedy; bountiful brewpubs; and designating the hazelnut the state nut ("Who has a state nut? Nobody else. Oregon makes its own rules"). On behalf of the entire state, let me just say, gee thanks, Yankee Pot Roast!

That's not the first time that I've been called waggish, and since I'm slightly aroused, hopefully not the last.

[Update 1:54pm: the Cracked article has made the Digg homepage.]

Workin' Hard To Get My Fill

2008-08-15T20:10:00.000-07:00

We caught Journey, Heart and Cheap Trick at Jones Beach last night. We ended up with outstanding seats as well, thanks to my sister, who still has contacts with their booking agent. These wound up being in the rear orchestra, about four rows deep.

Anyway, Journey was moderately disappointing, until they blew it out with "Wheel In The Sky" and then hooked up ridiculous versions of "Don't Stop Believin'" and "Separate Ways." They've got this new lead singer, who looks a little like Steve Perry, except that he's Filipino and probably 9 inches shorter. But he also sounds exactly like him, which I think is even crazier.

For me, Heart stole the show with their stripped down version of "These Dreams," which is absolutely my favorite song by them.

Very good times.

Shake It Up, Baby

2008-08-14T09:48:00.000-07:00

There's an open casting call to recreate the Ferris Bueller parade in Soho on September 6th.

I don't know who thinks these things up, but that person should be inducted into the Comedy Hall of Fame.

I'll be dressing up as Ronda, the heavyset black woman from the synchronized dancing scene on the staircase.

[Thanks, CC Insider]

I Prefer Syrup

2008-08-13T18:09:00.001-07:00

That has nothing to do with the content of the post here. I just thought of that old Chris Rock routine and started laughing. And there you go.

I'm trying my damnedest to work on another project right now that I'm trying to get out the door by the end of the month, so posting my get sparse around these parts over the next couple of weeks. I really wish that I was the kind of writer that could churn out 1500 words on this blog, and then turn around and knock out a chapter or two, but I can't seem to do that these days. Either my fingers don't work or my brain is broken, but both of those options leaves me out of luck.

In any event, the reading/signing on Monday went swimmingly. We had a nice turnout, and a good bit of banter in front of a mildly entertained audience. This far exceeded my expectations, which had us engaged in a stony, awkward silence with three or four disinterested observers.

Upcoming events/appearances include:

a guest spot on the Joey Reynolds Show

a guest appearance at Cracked Online

a guest appearance at Comedy Central's Indecision 2008

I'll be sure to post links as they become available.

Quote Of The Day

2008-08-12T06:20:00.000-07:00

"He told me 'Dance like no one is watching,' which I do in my living room with the curtains closed just in case anyone is watching."
- Dr. Elliott Reid, Scrubs

Discussion And Signing Tonight!

2008-08-11T12:19:00.000-07:00

Don't forget everyone: the Y.P.R. authors three will be at the Time Warner Center Border's signing copies of our runaway smash, "Underrated: The Yankee Pot Roast Book of Awesome Underappreciated Stuff." The information is below. Hope to see you all there:

Monday, August 11, 2008 at 7 p.m.
Borders
Time Warner Center
10 Columbus Circle
New York, N.Y.

People Who Are Smarter Than I Am, Part I

2008-08-11T09:15:00.000-07:00

If you're looking for someone smarter than you, look no further than Nate Silver. He's the mastermind behind the PECOTA system that projects baseball player/team performance, which is the only reason that I'm even close to making money in my fantasy league.

Now, he's turned his attention to the presidential race and put together a nifty little site called FiveThirtyEight.com, which projects electoral votes along party lines. I've seen site's like this before, but I trust Nate's math a whole lot more than I trust exit polls.

[Thanks, Rob]

All Points West Bulletin

2008-08-10T09:29:00.000-07:00

Radiohead is awesome.

The Roots are awesome.

Kings of Leon are awesome.

That is all.

You Have To Read It To Believe It

2008-08-06T09:03:00.000-07:00

I started typing about 16 different jokes for this article, but there's no one single punchline that does this justice. So I'm just going to cut my favorite quote out, and let you do the reading for yourself:

"It took under one minute of viewing the commercial before Satan entered the boys' minds and they began thinking of a way they could wrap the device around their penises," said one Christian psychologist. "You can't really blame the boys. In reality, turning on a secular television station in a Christian home is like sending Lucifer a personal invitation to hold a picnic in your living room."

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Lucifer picnicking in your living room is only fun if he brings potato salad, not Ab Toner commercials.

Shining, Gleaming, Streaming, Flaxen, Waxen

2008-08-05T10:39:00.000-07:00

I thought it would be worth posting this New York Times article from today's paper about the Public's production of Hair that I saw a couple of weekends ago.

Enjoy.

IM Conversation With The Misty Mountain Hopper

2008-08-05T10:09:00.000-07:00

Misty Mountain Hopper: just ran into XXXXXXX outside - he says hello
GWolinetz: Oh, nice
Misty Mountain Hopper: works a block away
GWolinetz: Really? Where?
Misty Mountain Hopper: an ad network
GWolinetz: Interesting
Misty Mountain Hopper: yeah
Misty Mountain Hopper: he's the VP of sales
GWolinetz: hahahahah
GWolinetz: That's about right
Misty Mountain Hopper: i love people and their titles
Misty Mountain Hopper: he's probably one of two sales guys
Misty Mountain Hopper: so someone has to be VP
GWolinetz: I'm Chairman of the Universe
Misty Mountain Hopper: I'm GOD
Misty Mountain Hopper: did I forget to tell you?
GWolinetz: No, I saw it on your business card
Misty Mountain Hopper: I debated do I spell it G-D
Misty Mountain Hopper: or GOD
Misty Mountain Hopper: figured the gentiles wouldn't understand my beliefs with G-D
GWolinetz: I think if you are God, you're allowed to write the whole word
Misty Mountain Hopper: I didn't think about it that way
GWolinetz: Then you're not really God.
Misty Mountain Hopper: believing in you isn't really a belief now is it?
Misty Mountain Hopper: ahh
GWolinetz: Enter Wolinetz
GWolinetz: I believe in Crystal Light
GWolinetz: That's about as far as my beliefs go

Dr. Strangelove (Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Enjoy My Weekend)

2008-08-04T06:32:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while I have one of those weekends that makes me feel truly lucky that I'm surrounded by awesome, incredible people. My in-laws came to town this weekend, and as usually happens when they do, we were jam packed with friends and family time.

Friday night, we went to the East Village and ate at L'il Frankie's, which is one of the great small Italian joints in the city. We've probably been there a half dozen times and it never disappoints, unless you like sucky food. In that case, it will disappoint.

Saturday night, we got about 30 people into an all-purpose Asian food/karaoke joint, where we had a room to ourselves. It was the final chapter in the wife's 30th birthday celebration. You haven't heard "If I Were A Rich Man" until you've heard me belt it out in front of a mostly stunned crowd of relatives and friends.

Yesterday, we hung out a little more and then like that, they were all gone. It doesn't seem to matter where they live (East or West Coast) or who they are (my family or my wife's); I just don't see any of them often enough.

Then Monday, I go back to crappy regularly scheduled programming.

On a completely unrelated note, does Tori Spelling's husband look like the biggest douchebag in Los Angeles (which is really saying something), or is that just me? His name should be Dean Massengill.

Walk Like A Man

2008-07-31T14:17:00.000-07:00

We went to see Jersey Boys last night. This is a truly fantastic show. I'm not much for musicals, unless they have a really compelling story, but this one had both great music (it's the Four Seasons' Greatest Hits), but also the story of the rise and fall of the band, told through the eyes of each of the four original members.

I haven't been to Broadway in a long time, but when did tickets get so expensive? Sweet Fancy Moses! These seats were $120 and it was something of an obstructed view.